When it comes to spotting a narcissist, we like to think we’ve got most of our bases covered, but then we are introduced to the concept of a ‘sexual narcissist’ and we have to reconsider everything we thought we knew.
Whilst it seems intimidating to have yet another thing to be on the lookout for, it’s always better to be safe than sorry.
You might be thinking - what even is a sexual narcissist?
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Well…
Sexual narcissists are people who put their sexual needs before anybody else's, prioritising their own pleasure and needs above that of their partner.
When it comes to your pleasure in the bedroom, a sexual narcissist lacks empathy for you, and expects frequent praise on their sexual performance.
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Worse still, they are likely to feel entitled to sex from you whenever and wherever they want it. Initial red flags to look out for when it comes to this are them being one-sided, seeing sex as transactional, and potentially even becoming aggressive when rejected.
According to Choosing Therapy, traits of a sexual narcissist can include a lack of sexual empathy, sexual entitlement a hypersexuality and even use of sexual coercion.
Brooke Schwartz, an expert in mood disorders, anxiety, narcissistic abuse, and BPD, notes that ‘it’s theorised that a person may become a sexual narcissist due to low self-esteem, insecurity, and dysfunctional beliefs about relationships.’
There are eight signs in total to look out for, according to Schwartz.
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Their early complimentary behaviour is actually a form of control
Schwartz says: “Sexual narcissists tend to enter intimate relationships with charm, flattery, and an abundance of love.
“While this may seem desirable and sweep you off your feet, these behaviours act as a method some sexual narcissists use to control their partners.”
Sexual aggression
Aggression during sex with consent from both parties can be healthy - for example, exploring BDSM. But, according to Schwartz, an interest in sexual aggression may well be behaviour of a sexual narcissist.
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Schwartz explains, “Aggression can happen periodically as the result of narcissistic rage, or because the sexual narcissist prefers sexual encounters to be aggressive in nature.”
Ignoring your sexual needs
Schwartz says: “Sexual narcissists tend to demonstrate a lack of empathy for their partner’s intimacy needs. For example, they may purposefully ignore their partner’s sexual requests or preferences.”
Prioritising their own sexual needs
A sexual narcissist is so engaged with their own sexual satisfaction, they completely overlook another’s.
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Schwartz warns: “When their partner does express a sexual need or preference, the sexual narcissist may ignore the request, accuse their partner of being controlling or selfish, or guilt their partner into meeting their own needs.”
Inability to take criticism
Sexual narcissists are thought to be on the hypersensitive side when it comes to feedback on their sexual performance.
Schwartz says: “When confronted with a suggestion to change positions during sex or move at a different pace, they may appear disinterested in the feedback. In reality, they likely experience it as a narcissistic injury.”
She also says this behaviour could lead to narcissistic rage - an outburst of aggression and/or violence.
They think everyone wants to be with them
A sexual narcissist will often portray their sexual abilities as superior to others’.
Schwartz claims: “Research suggests that some sexual narcissists tend to have high sexual esteem and perceive themselves to be good lovers, others act confident, grandiose, and arrogant in order to compensate for an underlying weak self-esteem.”
Never sexually satisfied
Seuxal narcissists, despite often having a lot of sex due to a high sex drive, have a tendency to complain about low sexual satisfaction and place the blame on their sexual partner.
Schwartz notes, “They may judge or criticise their partner’s performance, or suggest that sex has become boring and needs to change. Sexual narcissists may hint (or even overtly threaten) that they will look elsewhere for satisfaction if their partner can’t step it up.”
Expectant of praise
Schwarts says: “To fuel their self-esteem, sexual narcissists will crave, expect, and even demand praise to meet their narcissistic supply.
“During sex, this may look like ordering partners to express sexual satisfaction or give compliments to the sexual narcissist.”
If you think you may be dealing with a sexual narcissist, it might be a good time to start planning your next steps.
Schwartz points out that the results of being in a relationship with one vary wildly but often have devastating results, including ‘low self-esteem, symptoms of depression, anxiety, and even sexual trauma or narcissistic abuse syndrome.’
If you have been affected by any of the issues in this article and wish to speak to someone in confidence, contact The Survivors Trust for free on 08088 010 818, available 10am-12.30pm, 1.30pm-3pm and 6pm-8pm Monday to Thursday, 10am-12.30pm and 1.30pm-3pm on Fridays, 10am-12.30pm on Saturdays and 6pm-8pm on Sundays.
Topics: Mental Health, Sex and Relationships, Advice, Life
Kya Buller