Warning: This article contains discussion of suicide which some readers may find distressing
Actor and comedian Joe Tracini has presented his struggle with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) in an unflinching documentary set to air tonight.
35-year-old Joe, known for his stand up comedy, viral social media clips and a stint as Dennis Savage in Hollyoaks, lives with the debilitating condition and was diagnosed ten years ago.
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The Channel 4 documentary, Me and the Voice in My Head, follows Joe’s attempt to understand the causes of BPD and shed some light on what it’s like to live with it.
Joe's opening sentence in the groundbreaking documentary is: "I live with something called BPD and one of the symptoms of that, in me, is that I think about killing myself a lot.”
When asked how he copes with that, Joe responds: “Badly. I’ve got a system where I pretend that all of the worst thoughts I have come from somebody else. Even though I know that they’re mine.
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“I call him Mick.”
During the documentary, we hear from both Joe and Mick in creative scenes that see the pair sit side by side as they battle with their opposing thoughts.
The statistics brought to the fore by Joe are startling and outline the desperate need for more understanding around BPD.
Ultimately, 2 percent of the country will live with BPD at some point. 15 percent of sufferers die by suicide, and at least 40 percent will make at least one attempt.
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While the scenes are at times difficult to watch and wrought with emotion, Joe balances this with humour, both via himself and Mick. Joe is a comedian, after all.
He says: "Over the past ten years the main thing that’s kept me going is performing. My favourite place to be is on stage.”
The documentary follows Joe on his journey of trying to successfully perform his one-man stand-up show about his personality disorder.
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His BPD left him unable to do so on his previous 12 attempts, the worst of which led to him having to be 'snuck out' of the venue - but has managed to secure another date at Norwich Theatre.
Me and the Voice in My Head follows Joe closely as he prepares.
Joe is shown staring blankly as he is unable to get his words out, breaking down in tears and opening up about paralysing panic attacks.
Joe explains: "BPD severely affects how a person thinks and feels about themselves and other people, and often leads to intense unstable emotions, chronic insecurity and intrusive thoughts.”
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He continues, addressing the filmmakers while fighting back tears: “I want to be able to talk to you."
It is obvious from that point that while this documentary has dark moments that are hard to watch, we mustn't look away.
Joe adds: “This is the worst I’ve ever felt, now.”
As for why Joe struggles with BPD, or why anybody does, Joe says: "Some scientists reckon its a combination of your genetics, and s**t that’s happened in your life.”
Later in the documentary, Joe opens up about abuse he faced as a child from somebody outside of his family.
Joe's BPD has led to six suicide attempts, and he recounts standing on a bridge.
Speaking to LADbible Group ahead of the documentary, he said: "The last time when I was on the bridge was that was the time that I remember being ready.
"And I'm grateful to past me for not jumping.”
Joe, who is sober, continued: “The fact that I don't drink is the number one reason that I'm not dead.
“The fact that I look at them [alcohol and drugs] as a symptom of my BPD has enabled me to go through life.”
The moments of joy in the documentary are a welcome tonic. There's quality time spent with his parents; mum Debbie and dad Joe Pasquale, his relationship with loving and supportive girlfriend Holly, and when he is with met with a standing ovation from fans.
"Is Mick with you now?", a member of the crew asks afterwards, to which Joe replies: "Yeah". He's p**sed off. It's nice."
Symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder
In the documentary, Joe also shares nine symptoms common with BPD:
- Fear of abandonment
- Distorted self image
- Explosive anger
- Mood swings
- Unstable relationships
- Paranoia
- Chronic feelings of emptiness
- Impulsiveness
- Self harm and suicide
Me and The Voice in My Head is on Channel 4 tonight (13 May) at 10pm.
If you’ve been affected by any of these issues and want to speak to someone in confidence, please don’t suffer alone. Call Samaritans for free on their anonymous 24-hour phone line on 116 123.
Topics: Mental Health, Channel 4, Documentaries
Kya Buller