When it comes to abusive relationships, one of the most devastating aspects is that we often don’t realise we’re with somebody abusive until much time has passed.
Often, in the beginning, the abuser can masquerade as somebody who has your best interests at heart and would never hurt you.
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Yet with a series of damaging tactics, they may set up a situation in which they can effectively control and manipulate you.
Of course I’m stating the obvious here - but nobody deserves this. So, while we are talking more openly about abusive relationships these days, it’s always best to have the tools to hopefully spot the red flags a mile away - and protect yourself and your mental health.
Clinical psychologist Dr Julie Smith has shared her expertise and uncovered the six hidden ways an abusive partner can manipulate you - and stop you from leaving.
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Dr Smith posted the invaluable video on TikTok, where she explained in the caption: “If your partner is using any combination of these manipulations, you will be more isolated, vulnerable, and confused about how best to proceed.
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“Not because there is anything wrong with you, but because that is the effect these behaviours have on most people. Finding some form of support outside of the relationship is crucial.
“It helps you to get a wider perspective on the relationship. Doing that on your own is not easy. That person might be a trusted friend or family member or a professional.”
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Without further ado, here are the six signs to watch out for.
Isolation
Dr Smith explains that an abusive partner can often isolate you from your friends and family in order to 'remove any outside perspectives, so theirs is the only perspective you get to hear'.
Rapid change in attitude
“They switch from being affectionate one minute, to aggressive the next," Dr Smith says. “This makes it so confusing.”
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She explains that you may then struggle to understand whether or not you’re in a good relationship.
Attacking your confidence
“They chip away at your confidence, and your own intelligence, and your capacity to do things”, Dr Smith begins.
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“So you start to question whether you could function without them.”
Exerting control over your finances
Dr Smith revealed that the abusive partner could begin to limit or track your spending so that you end up financially tied to them, making it 'feel almost impossible to leave' the relationship.
Threats of harm
In this case, the abuser may threaten to harm themselves or you.
This ‘fills you with fear’, Dr Smith explains. “It’s a powerful way to control you and stop you from leaving.”
Empty promises of change
“When they feel like they could lose you, they start making promises to change.
“The abuse is replaced with the charm and love that you saw at the beginning of the relationship, and you want to believe it can get better”, Dr Smith adds.
“So you give it another go… and the cycle continues.”
The video has struck a chord with many viewers, having amassed over 35,000 likes.
One person commented: “100% - why I divorced him. I’m free!”
Another said: “I lost my job and destroyed my career. Please be confident and leave at the first spark of this manipulation.”
A third added: “Leaving was the hardest thing I did but it was so worth it in the long run.”
If you're experiencing distressing thoughts and feelings, the Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM) is there to support you. They're open from 5pm–midnight, 365 days a year. Their national number is 0800 58 58 58 and they also have a webchat service if you're not comfortable talking on the phone.
Topics: Sex and Relationships, Mental Health
Kya Buller